Friday, 6 March 2009

moving on

According to my horoscope for the year, 2009 holds a great rush of change, a renaissance going on within me, that will require me to step up to each challenge and dive in with everything I’ve got.

I take this all very seriously, and so, right now, I am gathering all this stuff I’ve learned, and I’m trying to somehow pull together a plan that might propel me into this new life that looks so unlike the old one.  

We are moving from where we are now in two weeks. We will be in California for a few months before heading to somewhere like Austin. I have been trying so hard to come up with a way to tell about this time here in Mexico but I tend to lose the ability to string words together when I'm attempting to tell a story that is not yet finished. Living here has changed everything. I still feel like I’m dreaming. I’ll let some time pass before I dig to get to the bones of it. I’ll have a story to tell.

I used to think that at the age I am now, I would have it all figured out, and now that I’m here, I see how complex being alive can be and I am still so full of questions. Nothing is ever so easy as those little moments when everything feels beautiful and real except for those little moments when everything feels beautiful and real.

It’s really not so bad. The questions used to scare me. The complexity was overwhelming. But those instances, when light shines down into an idea and fills it with some sort of truth, tap into the same source that brings me to those dark, dark nights. Age has taught me to appreciate all of it. It’s what makes my life worth living.

So, okay, I’m here, trying to lay out a story that fits neatly into the frame I’ve built for it, but I’ve failed. This is what I’ve got to give.